


I’m okay

by Sanders_Sides_Trash



Series: Depressed Sides [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, breakdown - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2020-07-27 15:47:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20048551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanders_Sides_Trash/pseuds/Sanders_Sides_Trash
Summary: Roman has a breakdown.





	1. Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> This is a self indulgent fix because I’m currently having a mental breakdown and trying not to hurt myself.

“I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m o-“ his pacing and chanting were cut off by sobs. “I-I’m, o-oh-kay,” he sobbed out. “I have to be okay!” he curled into a ball. “I have to b-be strong. I h-have to be strong for th-them!” He cried. 

He sobbed harder as he reached for his pencil case, pulling out a small, intricate blade. “I have to be strong.” He whispered, dragging it across his wrist “I’m such a freak.” He murmured, writing the word with the blade. “Fat.” Another word, carved into his arm. “Ugly. Useless. Weak.” He cried quietly, as the words appeared. One by one. 

“This is what I deserve,” he said, switching to cutting lines. “I’m supposed to keep it together and I didn’t,” he continued. “I have to do this.” He dropped the blade and watched the blood flow down his arm, starting to feel lightheaded. “No one needs me anyway.” 

The last thing he heard was a scream as someone walked in. “Stay with me Princey! Please! Someone help!” He looked up to see a familiar eyeshadowed face and purple hoodie. “Hey Hot Topic,” he giggled before blacking out.


	2. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman wanted to be dead, and doesn’t know why they kept him alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well apparently my breakdown stops when I write and comes back when I stop so I’m here so I don’t have to deal with it. Enjoy all of my self hatred pushed into Roman so I can create an emotional disconnect.

Beep.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
Beep. 

‘Ugh’ Roman thought, waking up. WAIT. Waking up?!?! He opened his eyes to a hospital room before plopping his head back down and groaning. Then he realized someone was holding his hand. He glanced over to see Virgil asleep, with a death grip on Romans hand. He quietly reached over and hit the call button, before sitting up slowly and gently easing his hand out of Virgil’s. 

When the nurse came in, she started taking his vitals and asking questions about how he was feeling. When she was finished, she removed his bandages, giving a sympathetic look when he flinched at the marks he inflicted before cleaning his wounds, putting clean bandages on, and giving him more medicine to put him back to sleep.

When he woke up, Virgil was nervously staring at him, with tear tracks through his makeup. Roman looked at the crying boy with surprise. “Why am I alive?” He questioned quietly, not missing the slight flinch and how the tears sped up. “I-i came in right before you were,” he paused to sniffle and wipe his eyes, “you know, dead.” He ducked his head. 

“Yeah, I know HOW,” he said casually, “I asked WHY?” he finished. Staring expectantly. “I couldn’t just let you die!” Virgil said crying harder now. “Roman chuckled, “Why not?” Virgil stared in shock. “We need you. I need you!” Roman raised an eyebrow. “No one needs me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this yesterday but crashed from emotional exhaustion before I could post it. 👌


	3. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman heals physically while the others try to heal him mentally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it’s angsty. I’m just currently trying my hardest not to cut and trying to remind myself it’d hurt my friends and it’s kinda hard so I have to keep typing so I don’t do something I regret so sorry if this is rambley and mistake ridden cause I can’t edit in this frame of mind and mental breakdowns make me scattered hence the long intro. Oh and Roman is trans now cause I need to push my repressed thoughts about me being trans into him thanks byeeeeeeeee

Roman rolled away from Virgil and went back to sleep to avoid the conversation, only to be awakened minutes later by a concerned Patton rushing into the room and worrying over him. “Oh no oh no oh no, is he okay? You said he woke up right? What’s wrong? What happened?” Roman rolls over. “I’m fine dad-“ he said before being tackled by Patton.

“PLEASE NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!” The moral side sobbed into Romans shoulder as he awkwardly patted his back. “Okay dad. Sorry for worrying you,” “No No No! It’s fine! I was just scared!” He assures, still hugging Roman. 

“You has us all quite worried.” Logan stayed from the doorway, having arrived with Patton, but not wanting to ruin the moment. “Oh yeah!!!” Patton exclaimed, rushing to Logan and grabbing the backpack he carried. “We got you this!” He held out a white teddy bear with a red sash that said ‘Princey’ on it, before proudly handing it over.

“I found it in the gift shop and Virgil made a sash and Logan embroidered your nickname!” Patton said happily, watching him state at it. “I-is it not good?” Patton asked nervously, before Roman looked up with tears in his eyes. “Y-you all did this f-for me?” he asked softly. 

“We sure did! We were so worried and we wanted to show you how much we care, and cheer you up!!!” Patton said excitedly. Roman launched forwards and tackled Patton into another hug before tugging Virgil and Logan in as well. “Thank you all so much,” he sniffled. “I’m sorry I distressed you so.” 

Patton squeezes harder, “Don’t worry kiddo, we don’t think any differently of you!” “Y-you don’t?” Patton became solemn, “Of course not. You are our creative handsome prince. And you will be forever unless you decide otherwise, okay?” Roman sniffled, “Th-thanks dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEET


	4. Coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman is loved so I can feel loved, as per usual. Again, none of this is edited cause I’m kinda breaking currently so, yeet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the fluffy chapter my friends, mi amigos, COMRADES, casual acquaintances, and bffs alike. (Oh, and Virgil is 5’6 and Roman is 5’10. Just because.)

“Time to go home!” Roman flinched. “Ohmygodimsosorryitsjustmeromanitspatton” Patton rambled, hugging the startled boy. “It’s okay pop, I was just rather frightened.” He smiled weakly, “So you said something about home?” “Oh yeah! You’re being discharged!” Patton explained, “Are you ready?” “Yeah, it’ll be nice to wear actual clothes again.” Princey joked. “Let’s go!” 

As they arrived home, they noticed Virgil nervously sitting on the porch steps, messing with Logans Rubix cube and heard Logan in the kitchen. When they opened their doors Virgil looked up hopefully and jumped up, running to them instantly. “ROMAN!” He said, launching into a hug. Roman stumbles slightly before returning it. “Whoah dark and stormy fright, you just saw me a few days ago!” Roman said, since the nurses decided he needed more rest (can they do that? Idk. But they did lol) Virgil just tightened his hold and sniffled into Romans chest. Princey awkwardly patted his friends back, looking to Patton for help as he came around the car. 

“Hey kiddo? Why don’t we go inside and let Roman get settled back in?” Virgil slowly let go and backed up a few steps. “S-sorry Princey. I ju- I just really missed you!” He said tearing up. “You did?” Roman asked, surprised. “Of course I did! You’re my best friend!” Virgil exclaimed before looking over at Patton, “No offense pops, you’re the best dad!” Patton beamed, “Thanks kiddo!” Roman blinked a few times, “I’m your best friend? I thought you hated me?” “I COULD NEVER!” Virgil said, before launching himself back at Ro. “Now let’s go inside and have movie night!” He said, hugging the taller male tighter and walking backwards, “GUIDE ME!!!!” “And I thought I was the dramatic one!” Roman chuckled, watching Patton pull Virgil off and set him off to the side. 

“Why don’t we all walk separately so we don’t fall and get hurt, ‘kay kiddo?” Patton said, patting the bouncing side on the shoulder. “Okay dad! I’ll run in real quick and help Logan with dinner while you help Roman!” He ran off. Roman looked at Patton, “Wh-“ “Thomas started an anti anxiety medicine because V was freaking out worried about you. So he’s gonna be like this for a week or two after Thomas stops the medicine. “Wait, he was that worried? About me?” Roman stopped in his tracks. “He was inconsolable and having constant panic attacks Ro. We had to sedate him twice!” Patton laid a hand on his shoulder. We need to get you strong again, and we need to get him emotionally stable. Okay kiddo?” “O-okay dad.” They started walking again only to freeze at the sound of crashing. “VIRGIL!!!!” They heard Logan hell, before sprinting into the house and to the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for putting up with my depressing bs 😄


	5. Lies we tell ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman melts down (again) so I don’t 😋

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ENJOY THE PLATONIC ROCIET MY BINCHES

They rushed into the kitchen to find the floor (and Logan) covered in food. “What in the diddly dink happened?” Patton asked, as Logan wiped food off of himself. “Virgil ‘helped’.” “Well where is the kiddo?” Patton asked as Logan glowered at the fridge. They slowly followed his gaze, only to find a food covered Virgil cowering and shaking on top of it, warily staring at the large wooden spoon in Logan’s tight grip. Roman and Patton glanced at each other and silently went to their targets. As Patton quickly grabbed the spoon, put it in the sink, and started cleaning up, with Logan’s help, Roman slowly approached the fridge, before holding his arms out to help Virgil down and hug him. After another moment or two, Virgil slowly climbed off the fridge and leapt into Romans arms. “There ya go, let’s go get you cleaned off.” He said before walking Virgil into the bathroom. “You should take a shower while I help Patton and Logan, alright?” Virgil nodded. “Okay, come out to the kitchen when you’re done.” Then, after a quick hug he walked away. 

*le time skip cause I can*

As they sat on the couch eating ramen, (since their first attempt at dinner failed), and watching Disney movies, Roman glanced down and realized that he needed a bandage change, and he decided not to trouble the others and to just go to bed and change them before going to sleep. So with his plan set, he yawned dramatically, stood up, proclaimed that he was off to bed, and skipped to his room. Once there, he stopped to check that no one had followed him before darting inside and locking the door. Dropping the smile, he walked across his room, into his closet, and summoned a small blanket nest, a set of pillows and an iPad. He started his favorite movie (Moana) before sighing and slowly unwrapping his bandages, revealing the stitched up wounds. 

“And they’re all true.” He said softly, reading them and pulling out a small razor. “I deserve this,” he sniffled, cutting a thin shallow line near the others. “I shouldn’t be alive,” he continued, creating 3 more quickly. “They don’t need me!” He cried, going deeper and longer as tears began to flow. Not noticing the closet door softly opening and closing until a hand grabbed his, mid cut. “Sssssomeone hassss been telling liessss,” Deciet hissed softly, taking the razor and summoning tissues, disinfectant, and bandages. Roman whimpered. “I’ve been telling the truth, why are you in here? The others were the ones saying that they love me.” “And they were telling the truth.” Dee whispered, slowly wiping Romans tears away and handing him a tissue. “You were ssssaying liessss” He began slowly disinfecting and bandaging his arms, soundproofing the closet and turning up the movie. Once he finished he adjusted the nest and pulled Roman to his chest, cuddling him as they watched the movie. “Sssleep my prince.” He whispered. “You are sssafe.” Roman slowly drifted of to ‘You’re welcome’ and the sound of Deciet quietly singing along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *bows* thank you, thank you, more platonic rociet (and maybe some brotherly love from Remus) coming soon. The only downside is my shitty writing lol.


	6. A new family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddles and stuff cause like. Why not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sad, sleep deprived, and touch starved so here’s a chapter.

Roman awoke gently to soft sobbing and quiet singing. Cuddling closer to the warmth, he quickly realized that that’s where the melody was coming from. Slowly looking up he saw Deciet smiling warmly, eyes closed, as he sang. (Once upon a dream is the song if you were wondering) Then he turned to the sobbing, seeing his brother curled up holding a decapitated teddy bear (because Remus.) He gently sat up, and Deciet looked up while continuing to sing, releasing Roman from his grip, as the prince slowly crawled over and hugged Remus, who gasped and tackled his brother.

“RO RO!!! YOU'RE OKAY!!!” He exclaimed, sobbing openly into his brothers shoulder. “I- I thought you- you’d left me!” The duke whimpered. “Please don’t leave me!” Roman stilled, before squeezing his twin. “I’m sorry Re, I promise I’ll never try to leave again,” tears ran down his face, “I shouldn’t have in the first place.” The brothers remained in their embrace for a few minutes before realizing Deciet was still there and had switched songs (A whole new world) and they quickly pulled him into their hug. “None of us can leave okay?” Remus sniffled. “None of us.” Deciet agreed. Roman leaned back, “Because we’re a family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short (rather crappy) chapter. I’m kinda tired and sick and needed a cuddle fic.


	7. Apologies, Trust, and Truces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Romans two families collide and try to get along, for his sake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed the fluff. I’ve been breaking nightly and need to make something happy.

After a while of snuggles, Remus sniffed the air and looked at Dee. Deciet stilled and slowly flicked his tongue, and his face fell, glancing down at Romans blood soaked wrists and back to Remus.

He followed Dees gaze before tensing and the tears began to flow again. Roman slowly pulled away, wondering why the other two had tensed. He glanced at his brothers tearful face and Deceits apologetic one before following their gaze to his soaked bandages and freezing. “R-RoRo, we have to, ya know. Ch-change your bandages.” Remus sniffled. 

Roman quickly pulled his arms to himself and hugged them against his chest, shaking his head frantically, starting to cry and scooting backwards. Gasping and curling in on himself when his back hit the wall. He couldn’t let his brother see the marks. It would hurt him to bad. He started breathing faster. He couldn’t hurt his brother more, he couldn’t. He can’t fail him again! He can’t!!!!!

“ROMAN” he flinched, looking up at last. Deceit was holding his shoulders firmly, and looking at him concerned while Remus sat helplessly curled at the opposite side of the large closet. “You were hyperventilating. You need to calm down and let us change your bandages. Then we can go get breakfast and watch movies. Okay?” Roman looked sadly at his brother before slowly nodding and sticking his arms out. 

“Okay,” he whimpered, looking down and shaking as Dee undid his bandages, crying harder as his brother gasped at the marks. “I-I’m sorry.” He sobbed quietly as Deceit cleaned his arms and rebandaged them. Once they were done he tried to curl up but was stopped by Remus tackling him with another hug. “You’re gonna be okay Ro. We’re gonna be okay.” Remus squeezed him, “We got you. We’re all gonna be okay.” Roman hugged back and Dee summoned onesies for them all, before cleaning up the blankets and pillows and getting the twins to change. “Let’s go.”

They all put on their onesies (Deciet a yellow and black lizard, Remus a black and green wolf, and Roman a white and red panda. Because I can.) and headed downstairs for breakfast, Deciet and Remus on either side of him, helping him walk and offering support down the stairs. When they reached the bottom, Virgil shot up from the couch, glaring.

“What are you two doing to him?” He asked angrily, storming forwards until Roman flinched into his brothers arms, away from him. He stopped, confused. “What’s going on? What happened?” He questioned Deceit. “Why-“ Deciet stopped him, “Remus, take Roman to the bathroom and calm him.” Deciet commanded calmly, watching him nod and obey.

“As for you, sit down and I’ll explain.” He finally turned to Virgil. Virgil hesitantly did as he was told, looking thoroughly confused. “Call your friends in as well please.” Virgil obeyed, summoning Logan and Patton into the room and asking them to sit with him. 

“Him and Remus walked in with Roman and he looked weak. I think something happened and Deceit said he’d explain when y’all got here.” He said as they sat with him on the couch in front of Deceit.

“What happened to him Declan?” Patton asked seriously. “I heard him ranting at himself and found him going back over the cuts last night. I calmed him, bandaged him, and let him sleep.” Deceit responded calmly. “He cannot handle conflict currently and needs all of our support.” He help out a hand, “Deal?” “Deal.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed my mental breakdown pushed onto Roman so I don’t have to address it.


End file.
